The Letter
by Juicy Mclucy
Summary: Serena receives a letter
1. Chapter 1

Serena came home from work and picked up the post from the box, she took a casual glance through it and a handwritten letter caught her eye. Very unusual in this day and age, especially as it was obviously sent from Kenya and had Bernie's handwriting on the front. Why would Bernie have written a letter when it was so much easier to send an email? She went through to the living room and opened it.

'I love you like Icarus loved the sun, too much and too close.

That damned pigeon, he got into my soul and ever since he has been a symbol of our relationship. When I'm missing you to the nth degree, I think of that bloody pigeon and the name you gave him. Icarus. Just like Icarus loved the sun, that is how I love you, too close and too much. It scares me, it always has and now I can't imagine living without you, even though there are thousands of miles between us. If I see a pigeon it reminds me of you and makes me think of losing you and how I would fall into the sea and drown, just like him. That bloody pigeon.

Sometimes I think it would be easier if I could just stop loving you and believe me, there have been days when I thought I would. Days when being without you seemed too much, too painful. If there was only affection between us, then we could draw a line under it and leave it in the past. But there is love and so the perpetual torture must continue.

Maybe I was right after all, Eddie was a much better name for that pigeon. Then I think the analogy would be more fitting. We are crashing and burning, this isn't working for either one of us. So, maybe it would be better for both of us to just call this the end. To let go, to not fly so close to the sun. We neither one of us deserve to drown.'

Serena put down the letter and a single tear ran down her face.


	2. Chapter 2

Serena wiped the tear from her cheek and picked up the letter once more. She read Bernie's words over and over, in them she could almost feel the pain and suffering that she must have been experiencing and she longed to take it away. But how could she do that? She longed to touch her, to speak to her but there must have been a reason that Bernie had sent this letter, how many times had she written it? How long had she spent deliberating over whether to post it? Serena stood up and swallowed thickly, wiped her eyes again and walked off to the kitchen for a glass of wine. She needed to think about this, but she didn't want to think about it and yet there was nothing else she could think about.

She took her glass back through to the living room and picked up the letter again. She read it through again. The more she read the less she could understand the reason behind writing this letter, what must have happened to push Bernie over the edge. So, she decided that Bernie was telling the truth, was putting herself first, putting her responsibilities first and maybe even trying to put Serena first because she obviously had no intention of waiting for her any longer and even fewer intentions of coming back to Holby. Maybe, she had met somebody else. Serena noticed that the feeling of utter devastation, heart break and shock had started to transform into anger, she was angry about this letter. She took a gulp of wine and tried to calm herself down, she tried to be rational. So, she sat on the sofa and drank her wine, in silence, her mind going ten to the dozen.

A bottle of wine later and she couldn't get the pigeon letter out of her head and was feeling on the edge of squiffy. She picked up her phone and opened the page to compose an email. She hadn't written a word and she knew that much less thought was going to go into her email than went into Bernie's letter. She hadn't written a word and she didn't really know what she was going to say, what she should say, what she needed to say.

'Bernie, darling,

I received your letter today. It's so nice to receive personal post, rather than junk and bills. So, you can imagine how pleased I was and excited to open it and see your handwriting on the page. To say that it was not what I was expecting, is an understatement. Have you met someone else? Has the distance finally broken us? You promised to wait, you kissed me with the same passion as I was expressing and made me believe that you felt the same as me. Are you angry with me? Reading your words again and again I know that you love me, but maybe you can't wait for me. It is difficult for me too. When I read your letter I cried, those silent tears that show complete devastation. And then I drank a bottle of wine and composed this email. Bernie, darling, please just explain your letter. You sent it a week ago, why didn't you phone me or write an email? Are you trying to avoid me? Maybe you didn't want me to reply to you. The fear I have now, is that you will not reply, you will never answer my questions, you will return to radio silence.

Do you honestly think you love me too much? Too close? I don't think that is possible for me. I once described you to Ric as the love affair of my life, I wasn't lying, I wish I'd met you years ago, I wish I'd spent my life with you, so that there was enough time to spend an eternity with you and make decisions that would make us both happy. But, we are both stuck in our ways and, if nothing else, this has proven that ways are difficult to change.

Ignore the bloody pigeon and talk to me. Tell me what you are thinking and why, and for how long? We can sort this out together, or not. But give me the chance to respond.

All my love

Serena x'

She pressed send and lowered her head into her hands. In her heart she felt Bernie was isolating herself, she was in Nairobi, how much more isolated did she need to be? Serena felt lonely, like there was no one to turn to or talk to. She stood up and walked to the kitchen, she picked up more wine and crisps and returned to the sofa, flicked on the TV and started to think.


	3. Chapter 3

Bernie heard a notification come through on her phone and glanced at it to see what it was. It was the end of a very long day and she was yearning to talk to Serena and run everything passed her, but she knew that she couldn't, not after sending that letter. So, seeing an email notification with Serena's name on it she knew what it must be about, she decided not to read it just yet. Bernie was sat at the bar of a hotel, whiskey in her hand and she had been mulling over everything. Now, she was sat at the bar of a hotel mulling over something very specific, Serena's reaction to the letter and what level of scorn, bile and hurt she could put into an email. After all, a letter took time to write, allowing the writer more time to think and read before sending, an email? You could just type everything and press send and then it was out there in the world. Bernie looked at her watch, the time difference was only two hours, she estimated that Serena had got home from work, read the letter, had a drink and rattled off the email and was now sat staring at her phone, tablet or laptop, waiting for a response. Bernie turned her phone over and continued to drink.

By the time Bernie got home, she was slightly worse for wear, not drunk, but she could definitely feel it. What had started off as a casual drink after work had changed into something else, something with over-thinking and beating herself up when she received that notification. She took out her phone from her pocket and looked at it, that little light was still blinking at the top, so she turned it over and put it down.

Bernie started to think again. Why had she written that letter? She was lonely and she missed Serena, she felt like she was being burnt up by either the memory of her or the lack of her, she wasn't sure which. She had felt out of control. Ok, so did she still feel like that? Yes. Did she regret writing that letter? Yes and no. She felt scared that she was going to get confirmation of all her worst fears but at the same time, she knew that she had had to tell Serena what was going on, how she felt, she was done being a coward. She looked at her phone again, she stood up and went into the bedroom, put her phone down on the bedside table and then went to have a shower, humidity really was the worst.

When she came back into the bedroom, the first thing she saw was a photo of the two of them together, which sat on the chest of drawers. Normally she didn't notice it, it was just part of the furniture, but now it was like it had flashing lights all around it and she couldn't tear her gaze away from it. She sat on the bed and continued to look at it. At first it made her smile, Serena in a wide brimmed sun hat and large, Hollywood sunglasses and Bernie kissing her on the cheek as they took the selfie, then it made her feel sad and lastly it made her feel regret. Regret. The worst of all emotions. She had spent so long deliberating over that letter, pouring her heart out, trying to capture how she felt in words but now, all she felt was regret about sending it, sending Serena the weak part of herself, the part that felt doubt, the part that was lonely. But, it was done and now she had to deal with what Serena had written in that email. A quickly written piece of vitriol, no doubt. She decided that she couldn't put it off any longer, she picked up her phone and opened the email, closed her eyes, took a deep breath and then read whatever it was that Serena had to say.

'Bernie, Darling,' Well here goes nothing.

By the time she finished she was crying, there was no real anger in the email, it was hurt. Serena was hurting and had tried to convey this in words, she wasn't angry, she was asking to understand. Bernie ached for her, she felt the pain twice over, her pain and Serena's pain. Bernie felt like an idiot and decided to write a reply, straight away to avoid overthinking everything.

'Darling,

Please forgive me. I was scared and lonely. I meant everything I said in my letter but perhaps I was confusing the meaning. I love you with every inch of my being and sometimes it feels so much that I can't cope with it. I look at photos of us together and I so want to be in that moment again, I talk to the image of you, because it's all I have. I have never felt this way before and I think I am just learning how to deal with it.

Darling, I'm not angry with you, if I was angry with anybody it would be with myself. But no, I'm not angry. I'm so sorry that I made you cry, I didn't mean to, that wasn't the point. I guess I thought that destroying all at once what we have would be so much easier than watching it crumble over time. Believe me when I say this, being without you every day is the hardest thing I've ever endured. I thought I was too weak to endure it, I thought you deserved more. I'm a coward, I run, but it really is time to stop, I don't want to keep running from everything, from you. Sometimes missing you makes me feel weak and out of control and I hit out when I feel like that. Missing you is taking up a large part of me, too large a part if I'm honest.

Did you really tell Ric that I was the love affair of your life? The feeling is mutual. I love you more than anyone else, ever before. Reading that made me realise just how lucky I am. I'm so sorry. Please say you'll forgive me. I want to spend an eternity with you too, you are everything to me. I'm sorry for hurting you, scaring you.

I love you

Bernie x'

She pressed send and took another deep breath.


	4. Chapter 4

After sending her email Serena had continued to drink and by the time she received the reply from Bernie, she was drunk. She hadn't really eaten any food and had drunk a lot of wine, too much wine. This meant that she didn't really think about anything before she read that email. She read it quickly and only remembered that Bernie had signed off with 'I love you'. She poured the last of the wine into her glass and scrolled back up to the top of the email. The idea of Bernie being scared and lonely broke her heart, made her breath catch in her throat and lump form. It made her start to cry once more. More than anything, it made her question what the hell they were doing, why were they doing this to themselves? They were both in pain and they both wanted to be together, they both felt tired and lonely. But more importantly, they both loved each other. What were they doing? The tears dried themselves on her cheeks but Serena continued to think but, she didn't reply. 'I love you'.

Bernie sat six thousand miles away nursing yet another drink, but after an hour of waiting for another response realised she was not going to get one. She decided that the best thing to do was to go to bed, it was getting late and if and when she fell asleep, she wanted at least to be comfortable, but she wasn't so naïve as to believe that she would sleep.

Serena was in no fit state to compose a reply, this however did not stop her trying. She opened a new email and typed out a very simple message.

'Bernie, I love you. S x'

She pressed send and lay back down on the sofa and closed her eyes.

Bernie thought she heard a notification, opened her eyes and reached around, patting for her phone. There it was, an email from Serena. Once opened it took her only a few seconds to read it. It was short but it said what it needed to say, the most important thing. She smiled and closed her eyes again.

The morning light was permeating through the curtains in the living room and Serena knew that today was going to be hell. She hadn't eaten and she had drunk far too much wine, she hadn't been to bed and she hadn't brushed her teeth. There was no good day in the history of good days that had started off this way. She stood and made her way to the kitchen to put on the coffee, coffee was the only way to start a day like this. She remembered Bernie's email and started to think about it again. So much seemed to have happened since finishing work last night. As soon as she was showered and caffeinated she should compose a proper response to that email. But what did she want to say?

'Bernie,

Last night I felt awful, I didn't know what to do, so I drank rather a lot of wine. You know me, nothing solves a problem more than wine. By the time I received your email I was rather the worse for wear, I couldn't formulate the words I wanted to use so I sent you the world's shortest email. I hope that it contained everything that you wanted to hear. I hope by just those few words you could understand that I was thinking about you. It was not that I didn't want to reply, more that I couldn't do it justice. I woke up on the sofa and the first thing I did was begin the reply, please understand.

I think it is obvious how we both feel and constantly saying it will not change that. We love each other but we are living such different lives, I need this to work, I need you to wait just like you promised. But the waiting is killing both of us and I don't want to risk us falling apart. I am going to book a flight and I am going to come to Nairobi and this time, you are going to actually be there to talk to me. If you're not then I think we need to reconsider what we are doing here.

Your letter scared me and made me realise what I want and what I am willing to do to fight for what we have. I love you and you love me, what are we doing spending all this time so far apart? What you said in your letter is true and I understand it but, I am not willing to waste what we have. I'm coming to see you, emails are not enough. I am not risking this, us, you.

See you soon

Serena x'

Before she had time to think about it, before she had time to re-think it she pressed send. She went into the kitchen and poured a cup of strong, dark coffee.


	5. Chapter 5

Bernie read the reply with a lump in her throat and a tear in her eye, a sentimental smile covering her face, reading Serena's words was like having a hand gently squeezing her heart. She loved that Serena could be so honest with her, bear her soul so openly. She didn't know what to say to her so she didn't reply straight away, she needed some time before she could put down in words everything she wanted to say.

Bernie waited and thought and waited some more. The whole day passed and she couldn't think what to write, she did try to start a reply but she deleted it all, feeling somehow it did not capture what she was trying to say. Several days passed and she hadn't managed to write a reply and work was busy so she didn't have a lot of time to contemplate it. Then she received another notification and she feared the worst, she couldn't explain why.

'Bernie,

I feel terrible, you didn't reply to my email and so I can only assume you don't want me to come anymore. I feel wretched. But there is something else I need to tell you, something happened and I have to be honest.'

At this point Bernie felt her heart sink, she felt like she had been stabbed in the stomach and so she continued to feel the worst.

'I went for a drink after work with the new F1. She touched my hand and she looked at me and I was petrified. For a number of reasons. I never expected to be looked at that way by another woman and I never expected to feel tempted. You are too important to me and I had never thought of myself as being gay, just in love with you. So, I panicked, I love you so much and the thought of cheating on you breaks my heart, but I am lonely, I can't lie about it. She is young enough to be my daughter and she really put the moves on me, flirting and inviting me back to her flat. Spending time with someone at work reminded me of the time I used to spend with you. We are so far apart and I miss you so much that it was nice to get some attention, but it was really bloody scary to think that it would be so easy to throw it all away.

Nothing happened, I didn't do anything, but the moment we start keeping secrets from each other is the death knell for us. I'm not ready to give up so I am being completely honest with you. Please don't hate me, please understand, please. I'm sorry that it happened but I honestly didn't do anything.

You are you and with me, you are perfect, you might not think it, but you are perfect to me. Please stay with me, I want it to be like that. I want to share everything with you, I want to laugh, cry and shout with you. I want to continue but something has to change. Please let's continue. I know my words are clumsy but you must understand that I am only human and I don't get everything right. But with you I am the best version of myself.

Please forgive me and please reply, don't ignore me. If you want me to I will book that flight, but I am having doubts that you do, maybe you don't want me now, don't want me there, don't want us together. But, you sent those flowers and they give me hope, but I am really struggling here without you right now. I'll book that flight, just tell me you actually want me to, I'll come, just give me a sign.

All my love Serena x'

Bernie realised that the delay in replying had really caused problems, not the F1 hitting on Serena but in her mind. Serena was finding it difficult and Bernie felt like she had let her down, not provided her with any support, not shared how difficult it was for her too. She was right in what she said, the minute they start keeping secrets is the time to call it a day. Bernie felt a new sense of resolve, she wasn't ready for that. Hard times only meant that they would be stronger in the end and she damn well meant them to make it to the end. She was not going to let this fall apart, she was not going to continue playing the cowardly lion. She needed to send her a sign, but what sign? It needed to be perfect.


	6. Chapter 6

Serena was in the middle of a shift that felt like it was going to last forever. All of the goings on with Bernie had resulted in drinking too much and sleeping too little. She had still not received a reply and any positive feelings she had before, had been lost in a sea of tears, wine and self-pity. She felt tired, a constant throbbing headache and a sense of overwhelming sadness. She was pretending the best she could but was unconvincing and she was damn well sure that everyone around her knew that something was wrong, including Leah, who seemed to be taking it as a positive sign and Ric who knew better than to ask her about it on the ward. She had her head down and concentrating on some test results when she heard her name called, by someone hoping for a response but who clearly didn't know who she was. She looked up and indicated that she was the person being looked for.

As the man approached, Serena noticed that he held a smallish box in his hands, tied with a ribbon. It reflected the strip lighting and caught her attention. She couldn't seem to tear her eyes away from it, but the man had begun speaking and she felt she should be giving him her attention. He explained that this box was for her and she needed to sign for it, which she did, without speaking. She took the box and retreated into the Consultant's Office. She sat down heavily in her chair and placed the box on the desk in front of her. For a few moments she looked at it until curiosity got the better of her and she untied the ribbon and removed the lid. She hadn't known what to expect, but she definitely did not expect what she found, luxury chocolate covered honeycomb.

Serena sat dumbfounded, she didn't understand what she was looking at. She tried one, it was good, really good. But, this action did not help to explain what it was that she was dealing with. She left them on the desk and walked back onto the ward.

Towards the end of her shift she retreated back into the office and sat at her desk once more. They were still there, where she had left them and they still confused her. There was nothing to say who had sent them or why, although she hoped they were from Bernie, the connection between the chocolate and honeycomb and them couldn't really be denied. She felt tired and just wanted to lie in a hot bath until she resembled dried fruit. She wondered if she would be able to leave early, it wasn't that early anyway. She picked up the iridescent box and looked inside, underneath the tissue paper she could see the corner of another piece of paper, on it was written one simple sentence.

'You once said that you couldn't imagine a life without me'

It was from Bernie.

The sign.

She smiled.


	7. Chapter 7

Serena escaped from work as quickly as she could. She practically sprinted to her car and several times she dropped her keys in her haste. There was one thing on her mind and that was getting home and booking a flight, she had managed to put in a leave request and now she just needed the flight. Bernie had done exactly what Serena had asked of her, she had asked for a sign and she had got one. It was the perfect sign, it was personal, linked them together and it was discrete, nobody would every know the importance of the small box she had guarded so closely once she had realised what it was that she held in her hands. Bernie may sometimes act slowly, but she always came through so perfectly in the end.

Once home Serena wasted no time in booking a flight, she didn't want even the slightest chance of something changing her mind or Bernie's. Once the flight was booked she knew she would be set. She thought about writing a reply to Bernie's note, but what could she say? There were so many things that she wanted to convey but she also knew that in this moment she couldn't possibly do justice everything that she felt. So instead she sent a screen shot to Bernie with a simple message, 'It was perfect. Thanks x'

She pressed send and the message went and there was an acknowledgement that the message had been received by Bernie's phone. She didn't want to sit staring, waiting until it was read, but at the same time she couldn't tear her eyes away. Every time she stood to do something, or she put her phone down to try and regain her composure, she picked it back up and looked again, she felt like a school girl, unsure and excited all at once, trying not to get ahead of herself, trying not to make plans for seeing Bernie but unable to do anything else. The longing that she so often buried had been awakened in the past couple of weeks and she was unable to suppress it further, Bernie dominated her every waking thought and probably every other thought. Serena mentally started a countdown until she could see Bernie, she could post smell her, feel her presence behind her and Bernie's hand on the small of her back, gently holding them together.

Then it happened, Bernie read the message, she had seen the screenshot of the flight details. Now they both knew it was happening, there was a date, it was no longer words, it was real.


End file.
